Actually, I Changed My Mind.

May 30, 2019

A little over a month ago, I was sending out applications and interviewing for teaching jobs. I’d accumulated hundreds, maybe even a thousand dollars worth of classroom materials. There were books and math manipulatives. Pencil boxes, flash cards, and dry erase boards. There were plastic bins of all sorts, including the infamous book bins that took me several months and several different Dollar Trees to attain. I’d already thought up so many of the fun games and activities we’d do. I was SO pumped to do a cookie jar activity after scoring the book “Who Stole the Cookies From the Cookie Jar” for just $3 on Black Friday. I was praying for the students that would walk into the classroom I still didn’t have. I was so excited. And then I wasn’t.

After a few interviews, and the reality of what was both before and behind me, I was hit with a huge wave of uncertainty. It came out of nowhere, and I fought hard to shake it. Then one day, I just stopped. I stopped applying to schools. I stopped working towards my certification. I stopped dreaming of the future I’d worked so hard for. 

I can’t explain it. I still don’t quite understand what’s going on. I just know that I am not going into the classroom. Not right now. I will not be a teacher any time soon.

Whew! Okay, the hard part is done. 

Ever since the thought first entered my mind, I’ve dreaded the day I’d have to say that out-loud. Honestly, I’m still dreading it, and am contemplating exiting out this word document, and pretending nothing ever happened. No, I need to do this. 

Way before college was even on my radar, I felt this pressure to have it all figured out. I remember being in the 8th grade, and having so much anxiety over what college I’d attend. Let me explain. My middle school had this tradition where all us students would wear sashes with the name of the college we wanted to attend during the 8th grade graduation. I was so stressed out. What if I ended up not attending the school I’d declared I would? Well I didn’t. Not even close.

This cycle continued the older I got. I’d make a decision about something, and then watch it never happen. I thought I’d go to the IB high school so many of my friends were going to, and didn't. I thought I’d go to fashion school in California, and didn’t. I thought I’d graduate with an English degree. Then it was communications. Then it was education. I just graduated with a degree in Sociology. I thought I would be a teacher in just a couple of months. I’ll still be a nanny.

The thought of me not having life figured out literally makes me sick. I should have this figured out! Over the past month or so, I’ve asked myself this question: “Am I dumb for being a nanny with a degree?” I was so ashamed. It took me weeks to ever tell a single person my new plans. I was so scared of what people would think. I shouldn’t have been. Listen to me. IT IS OKAY TO NOT HAVE YOUR LIFE FIGURED OUT. 

You are allowed to change your mind. You are allowed to not know. In due time, it’ll all come together. You will figure this out.

So to all my 20 somethings, 30 somethings, whatever somethings who are running themselves crazy trying to figure it out, stop. Just stop. I don’t know what the future is gonna look like. Right now, its looking like maybe grad school, and we’ll just take it from there. I have no idea what I am doing with my life, but I will eventually.

Share your opinion:

  1. Oh, it does feel like you need to have it figured out, but so many don't! I went to university at 24 after working for several years. I still don't have it figured out!

  2. I love your honesty! My sister is 26 and honestly she's dabbled in so many different careers, I feel she could strongly relate to this. She's gone as far as paying $5,000 to be an airline stewardess and doing all the training just to quit a few days into being hired on an airline that was clear across the country from us, her family. She's slowly figuring out what she wants to do, but like you said, what's the rush?!

  3. Just goes to show we don't always know what we want until it comes naturally! I love this because I didnt know what I wanted either but I knew my true calling was to be a care provider.